Episode #4: The "Illusion-Free" Snack Shack
The sun had started to hide behind the horizon by the time Dorothy and the others arrived. Their bodies aching from toe to head, the gang from the Yellow Brick Road released a collective sigh when they saw the town.
The sky was a mosaic of dreamy purples and pinks. The air beneath filled with chirpy lullabies. Each musical tweet drifted above puffing chimney stacks while hints of maple syrup, fresh baked pies, and caramels coasted lazily to where they stood on the Candy Cane Road.
Aching.
Dorothy was tired of running. She had half a mind to stop and hand herself over to the Madman. Right there, right now. And she would have if it weren’t for the sweet smells that lulled her body back into motion. She hooked an arm through Scarecrow’s, Scarecrow hooked through Tin Man’s and Tin Man’s through Lion’s, and pressed on.
Left slipper. Right slipper. Left slipper. Right slipper.
As the town drew closer and the smells stronger, Dorothy was filled with the desire to bundle up beneath a wool blanket and a warm mug filled with hot chocolate, topped with little, floating barrels of marshmallows. And for a moment, her exhaustion convinced her it might come true. That is was possible. That maybe one of the folks in town would take them all in, set the kettle on the stove, and hide them from the Madman. Any one of these shacks will do, she thought.
Whether it was painted bright yellow, orange, red, or blue. Whether its walls were made of timber, tin, or clay. Or if the rain and snow was kept out by asphalt or hay. Any color, any walls, any roof would do just fine. She just wanted to hold that cup of cocoa close.
It was only when she reached the center of town, where all the smells mixed and tainted one another, that she realized the colorful shacks were the last place she’d find comfort. Something was amiss. The very something the Grinch had warned her about …
Chimneys smoked but there were no signs of life. Deadbolts mysteriously clicked into place. And ghosts shifted curtains every time Dorothy looked their way.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say everyone was hiding from something,” said Tin Man.
“Or someone,” said Scarecrow.
And there were other signs too. Written in neon. Written in chalk. Written in Christmas lights and socks. Each unique, but the message was the same.
‘Illusion-Free Shopping. No Exceptions!’
“What do you think it means?” said Lion.
Scarecrow threw up his hands. Tin Man’s shoulders squeaked as he shrugged. Dorothy shook her head. She had no idea what illusion-free shopping was and she wasn’t going to venture inside any of the shacks to find out. At least, if they could help it.
“Ruh-roh.”
Dorothy and the others turned. A doggy door, big enough for a lion, was left swinging. In and out. In and out. Toto barked and gave chase.
“Wait, Toto!” said Dorothy, her voice a mix of worry and despair. Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion dove for the terrier but ended up tackling one another instead, becoming a tangle of hay and tin and 80’s fashion. While Toto, disappeared into the shack.
Dorothy hopped over her jumbled friends and poked her head in after Toto. But with what little light came in through the hatch with her in it, she could only see a blue linoleum floor and hear Toto’s nails clicking further and further away. She called out. But Toto didn’t return. Maybe that’s a good thing, Dorothy thought. As long as we’re inside, with any luck, the Madman might just pass us by!
In the same time it took for the hatch to close behind her and douse the shop back into darkness, Dorothy remembered the last dog they came across: Max. He was lying in the road. Motionless. As if he was seriously hurt, or worse, as if he was dead. And without thinking, she had raced ahead to help the poor pup, only to realize he never needed any help …
Dorothy screamed as something slammed into her side and swept her off her feet.
“We got him, Scoob! We got the Christmas Madman!”
The lights came on. Dorothy hung from the ceiling, helpless, while one lanky man and the dog who lured Toto into the shack embraced in celebration. They each grabbed a box from the nearest shelf. The Great Dane tore the lid off and poured the treats into his mouth. And even though the box said, in unmistakable bright orange letters, ‘dog snacks’, the strange man stuffed handfuls of the biscuits into his mouth too.
After her encounters with the gingerbread men, the Grinch, the Madman chasing her, and now the man who eats dog cookies, Dorothy thought that there might not be a single sane man to be found on Candy Cane Road.
“Get me out of here!” she said.
“Like, no can do. You saw the signs, pal!” the dog treat eating man pointed to the wooden plaque written in dog treats.
“I don’t know what illusion-free means!” said Dorothy.
“It means like, you’re totally not allowed to come in here pretending to be someone you’re not. Right, Scoob?” the Great Dane nodded enthusiastically. “If you’re a ghost, declare you’re a ghost! If you’re a dog, declare you’re a dog! And if you’re a Madman, like you have to declare yourself a Madman! No illusions!”
“I’m not pretending to be anyone! I’m Dorothy Gale!” she shifted to stop the ropes from digging into her. The whole idea that she was a Madman was infuriating enough without being stuck dangling above aisles of dog treats. “And how can I be a Madman? I’m a woman!”
“Well, like, that’s exactly what a Madman would say these days! Isn’t that right, Scoob?”
Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion came tumbling through the doggy door, still very much in a tangled heap. The man and dog rushed over and helped them up. Even dusted them off before introducing themselves as one Shaggy Rogers and one Scooby-Doo. Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion returned the formalities and went on a tour of Dorothy’s captor’s Snack Shack. Perhaps worse, they all ate the dog treats. The only good news was that all the commotion had lured Toto out of hiding to delight in the free samples the hosts provided.
There were all sorts of BBQ-flavored snacks, everything from Classic BBQ, Hickory, Mesquite, and even Texas-styled for those who love heat. There were even snacks sprinkled with Chicken Rub and a Steak Spice that originated in Canada. Those were Toto’s favourite. But the snacks that Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion loved the most were those garnished with Smoked Applewood and Smoked Hickory sea salt.
Dorothy, meanwhile, was all but forgotten.
“Hello!” she said.
“Come over here fellas and bring the snacks with you,” said Shaggy. “We forgot to mention, right before you tumbled in, we caught the Christmas Madman!”
Snack boxes hit the floor. Tin Man ran to Dorothy’s aid.
“That’s not the Christmas Madman. That’s our friend Dorothy!”
But as Scarecrow, Lion, and Toto told Shaggy and Scooby their story, the prospect Dorothy would be freed dimmed. In fact, Shaggy and Scooby only became more skeptical. And the longer they scrutinized the man of hay, the man of tin, and the king of the 80’s, the more they realized they looked an awful lot like the bad guys they used to catch. And suddenly, it didn’t seem farfetched that they could be the Madman’s accomplices. Shaggy and Scooby gathered they must be. And there was only one way to prove they weren’t: an unmasking.
Shaggy and Scooby both had their take. Grasping handfuls and pawfuls of hay, tin, and mane. Dorothy watched in horror as one by one, the heads of her friends were tugged and reefed on. Unyielding. The results were in: innocent. Only, it didn’t absolve the convicted Madman of her previous conviction.
As the net lowered, Dorothy pleaded innocent until proven guilty, but Shaggy and Scooby merely replied, “Sometimes its easier to ask forgiveness than permission.”
Dorothy screamed as a clump of hair pulled free.
“Ruh-roh, Raggy.”
Dorothy glared and slowly removed one of her broken ruby slippers. They may be magicless, but they still had their uses. Shaggy and Scooby rattled as if a pair of castanets were trapped inside them.
“Run, Scoob!”
Dorothy chased the duo around the shack. Down aisles, under counters, and over fallen snack boxes. But anytime she thought she almost had the elusive duo, she didn’t. As Shaggy and Scooby exited aisle three, they magically appeared from the storage closet. As Dorothy chased them into the kitchen, they mysteriously popped their heads out from the attic. And as she climbed the ladder into the attic, they jumped out of a snack box on the top shelf of aisle six. Wherever Dorothy chased, the duo always appeared no where they were expected. And any time Dorothy used the same entrances and exits, the never sent her to the same destination.
With no apparent rhyme or reason for how the whole shack worked, Dorothy stopped and instead jumped through random openings, closets, and snack boxes. By blind luck, she finally came face to face with the evasive duo in aisle seven. Where they both received a healthy smack from her ruby slipper. After all they put Dorothy through, she wanted answers.
“Why did you think I was the Christmas Madman?”
“Like the Madman always comes through the Shacks this time of year,” said Shaggy, still rubbing the back of his head. “And when you’re trying to catch a Madman, but you don’t know what that Madman looks like, you gotta assume anyone is your Madman!”
“Why are you trying to capture the Madman in the first place?”
“Like someone has to! The Madman stalks Candy Cane Road three hundred and sixty-five days a year. After Christmas, he starts the loop all over again, cornering any one he can to spread his message of Christmas violence to. Over and over … he hasn’t missed a year, not since he started in 1988!”
Scarecrow flipped out one finger after the other as he did the math. For 36 years the Madman has been haunting Candy Cane Road. For 36 years he’s been spreading his Christmas message of violence. Why? Shaggy and Scooby didn’t know. They were only trying to stop him. Which was a much bigger problem than Dorothy had realized.
After her ruby slipper malfunction, she and the others had no way of getting back home. The Madman may not catch them today, he may not even catch them before Christmas, but with Candy Cane Road being one big loop, they would have no choice but to run from him forever!
Unless, thought Dorothy, the Madman accidentally runs into the wrong shack! This shack!
It was, after all, what Shaggy and Scooby were planning all along. So Dorothy suggested that she and the others would like to offer their services in aiding in the capture of the Madman. They were, after all, who the Madman was after. Though Dorothy still didn’t know why. In all their running, she forgot to ask Lion. But as far as Dorothy was concerned, why wasn’t important. What was important, was that they knew what the Madman looked like.
Bald.
No shoes.
White tank top.
And mad. Very mad.
Scooby pointed to the end of aisle seven. “You mean rike him?”
Dorothy and others turned in horror. No one had secured the doggy door.
“Where’s my trigger!” said the Madman.
“Zoinks! It’s the Madman! Run!”
Dorothy and the others followed Shaggy and Scooby as they wound up and down the aisles, the Madman hot in pursuit.
“Quick, Scoob, split up!” said Shaggy. “You take Dorothy and Toto. I’ll take the others and meet you in the attic!”
“Okay, Raggy!”
At the end of aisle nine, they split up. Scooby took a turn down aisle eleven, at the end he opened the hatch that led into the cellar. They popped up inside the refrigerator in the kitchen, shivered out and over to the walk-in freezer, and jumped out of a cardboard box in the attic. Shaggy arrived with others a moment later from the roof.
From the attic, they had a clear view of the Madman, roaming the Snack Shack, scratching his head as he tried to figure out how the shack worked. It would only be a matter of time. And, like Dorothy, he could get lucky. Fortunately, Shaggy and Scooby seemed to have a plan. Dorothy didn’t think they looked like the heroic types, an assumption she was glad she was wrong about.
“Alright, Scoob and I will lead the Madman into the kitchen. When we do, all of you run to aisle four and get behind the Smoked Applewood snacks,” said Shaggy. “It’ll take you to the alley behind the shacks!”
“We can’t leave you here with the Madman!” said Dorothy.
“Don’t worry about us. This isn’t the first time we’ve been chased by monsters.” Shaggy and Scooby both ate a spoonful of Grinch Greens. “We’ll keep him busy a while longer! This way, Scoob!”
Shaggy and Scooby took the ladder to the roof, then they burst out of the snacks on the top shelf of aisle six. The Madman ran for them. They circled the store three times before they led the Madman through aisle eight toward the kitchen at the back of the shack.
As they the clang of bowls and clattering of cutlery echoed out from behind the closed double doors, Dorothy and the others climbed down from the attic, ran down aisle four, dove behind the Smoked Applewood snacks, and landed in a pile of garbage. They climbed out of the dumpster, scrubbed themselves clean of rotting banana peels and egg shells and ran back to Candy Cane Road toward Christmas. Safe from the Madman.
For now.
To be continued …
